fade, made to fade - passion's overrated anyway...
keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it - which of these two attitudes is the least destructive? i don't know.*
it's over. you didn't say the words, nor did he. you didn't even say goodbye. it didn't seem necessary. you just drifted out of his life and he didn't stop you.
you keep wondering whether you wish he had. you know the relationship was dying. there wasn't much to begin with and certainly not enough to last more than a few months. it ran its course. as with all things in life, it died.
you feel like you made a mistake. you feel like you found someone perfect and let him go, because of your inability to let them inside your head and your heart. you tried. you really tried, a lot of times, to open up, to let your guard down. you didn't quite manage.
nor did he.
you miss him. you miss the easy conversation, the quick smiles, the laughter, the sarcasm, the humor. you miss his rambling. you miss him being inside you. you miss him breathing heavily on top of you. you miss him whispering things in the night. you miss watching him sleep and waking up to see him smiling at you.
but you don't miss him enough to cry about it. and you always cry, at the end of each relationship. lately though, it feels like you cry less and less. you wish your heart were breaking right now, but it isn't. it wasn't even really involved throughout. and that is also something that happens more often.
lately, all you do is go through the motions. your heart's becoming an unreachable place. or an empty place. you want someone to touch you, your soul, be inside you, in all the ways possible, but you've worked so hard on preventing hurt, that now, even when you're craving hurt, pain, or any sort of feeling, it seems impossible.
you think you loved him. just a little bit. you love each man you've been intimate with. but you love them less and less.
is it all getting reduced to just the act then? will eventually, all you'll have left is sex, devoid of any emotion at all?
you don't want to share your body with anyone now. you just want life to stop right now. you want to get off this train. you bought into the poster, the preview, the sales pitch, you bought the ticket thinking you'd get true love, each fucking time.
all you're left with though, each time, are some memories.
it's not even him. it's the fact that another relationship is over. and you'll have to start all over again, with someone new.
it is so fucking tiresome.
you wish we all came with manuals. these are the right buttons to push, this is our past, these are our happy memories and things that made us sad, and on page 62 are things that we feel strongly about.
just the idea of sharing everything again weighs you down.
you're thinking 'never agian' but you already know that's a lie.
(quote from 'eleven minutes', paulo coelho)
it's over. you didn't say the words, nor did he. you didn't even say goodbye. it didn't seem necessary. you just drifted out of his life and he didn't stop you.
you keep wondering whether you wish he had. you know the relationship was dying. there wasn't much to begin with and certainly not enough to last more than a few months. it ran its course. as with all things in life, it died.
you feel like you made a mistake. you feel like you found someone perfect and let him go, because of your inability to let them inside your head and your heart. you tried. you really tried, a lot of times, to open up, to let your guard down. you didn't quite manage.
nor did he.
you miss him. you miss the easy conversation, the quick smiles, the laughter, the sarcasm, the humor. you miss his rambling. you miss him being inside you. you miss him breathing heavily on top of you. you miss him whispering things in the night. you miss watching him sleep and waking up to see him smiling at you.
but you don't miss him enough to cry about it. and you always cry, at the end of each relationship. lately though, it feels like you cry less and less. you wish your heart were breaking right now, but it isn't. it wasn't even really involved throughout. and that is also something that happens more often.
lately, all you do is go through the motions. your heart's becoming an unreachable place. or an empty place. you want someone to touch you, your soul, be inside you, in all the ways possible, but you've worked so hard on preventing hurt, that now, even when you're craving hurt, pain, or any sort of feeling, it seems impossible.
you think you loved him. just a little bit. you love each man you've been intimate with. but you love them less and less.
is it all getting reduced to just the act then? will eventually, all you'll have left is sex, devoid of any emotion at all?
you don't want to share your body with anyone now. you just want life to stop right now. you want to get off this train. you bought into the poster, the preview, the sales pitch, you bought the ticket thinking you'd get true love, each fucking time.
all you're left with though, each time, are some memories.
it's not even him. it's the fact that another relationship is over. and you'll have to start all over again, with someone new.
it is so fucking tiresome.
you wish we all came with manuals. these are the right buttons to push, this is our past, these are our happy memories and things that made us sad, and on page 62 are things that we feel strongly about.
just the idea of sharing everything again weighs you down.
you're thinking 'never agian' but you already know that's a lie.
(quote from 'eleven minutes', paulo coelho)
1 Comments:
I don't know what the relative proportions of fact and fiction are on this blog; either way it's clear that the latter half of 2004 was replete with turbulence, disappointment and soul-searching.
Perhaps in 2008, having found lasting fulfillment, you're in a position where you can look back on this period philosophically, free of heartache and cynicism. It's truly over now, and things turned out rather nicely for you in the end.
Even so, I can't help but feel frustrated that while all this was going on, I was moping around hermitically - and obliviously - in my own little world. Somewhere far away. That's another one to add to the list of regrets.
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