pizza?

you wait for him outside his house. he's late. you know he'll show up, apologize profusely, smile that cute smile and stick his lower lip out in an attempt to get you to forgive him. but you know he doesn't mean it. he doesn't really care. you're supposed to meet for a fuck. oh sorry, the euphemism for that is a pizza and a movie. but really, there wont be either. you're still at too early a stage to lose the pretense. you are almost tired of playing the hard bitch. the one that he thinks is such a challenge and can't wait to get inside. inside your body, inside your head and inside your heart. he wants to break down all the doors, break you down. and then leave. isn't that how the story goes? everyone wants to get to "know" you. like "really" get to know you. and you figure that this time they really do mean it. and you let all those defenses down. you open the doors. and you let them in. it seems like a good idea. but it never is. you've done this over and over again. and this time, you're really, truly tired. tired of the games, the rush, the love, the fun, the newness of it all and then the inevitable monotony. the death of the relationship. the death of the love that was supposed to be everlasting.

this time, you're truly a hard bitch. you have vowed to never, ever let it happen again. you're sick of the break ups and the make ups. this time, you will just be like everyone else. cold. removed. tough. strong. you may be quaking inside. you may be scared. you may be at the precipice but you will not fall. you will not go over that edge this time. for you know that you wont be able to climb out of that abyss again. you know that you're too tired to save yourself if you fall and you know no one else will.

so you tell yourself over and over again: 'be strong'.

and you WILL be strong.