rejection
you spend two hours doing nothing but kissing and caressing each other. you are overwhelmed by an absolutely irrational sense of jealousy at anyone else who has been touched like this by him. you wonder whether he is as gentle with every girl or may be you're special. you can already sense that this will be the best sex you've had. and you're right. you lie together like strangers right after, searching for things to talk about, because the cuddling doesn't come naturally to either of you. he tells you about how he likes the fact that you're anti-cuddling and prolonged intercourse. you smile to yourself as you realize that your hard bitch act has worked fairly well.
the next day, you see him with another girl. you see them dancing and talking. you pretend that you're having a lot of fun and are oblivious to their presence. you see them leave together and are consumed by a desire to follow them. you go out to your car, and pass his - they're sitting together in it, chatting. your world crashes. you know you don't love him or even like him, particularly. but you did share something special the night before, and his ability to forget that confounds you. are all men like this? there is no commitment yet there should be a sense of respect for someone you sleep with. perhaps you're terribly old fashioned. perhaps you expect too much. perhaps you give too little and want more in return. perhaps you shouldn't play the unemotional bitch anymore; does he not know that you would feel jealousy and rejection, if nothing else? is it okay to feel this hurt, when it's just sex? do you even want more than that? do you even want to give him that respect and commitment in return?
you spend the rest of the night talking to someone else. pretending to be busy. playing games. you're so tired of this bullshit, this constant act, this desire to let no one close. you're so tired of the hurt. you wish you didn't feel. you want to rid yourself of all emotions, cleanse yourself of that which makes you ache all over.
you return to your bed, alone, tonight. you wonder whether he is alone. you wonder whether he's thinking about you, if he is.
the next day, you see him with another girl. you see them dancing and talking. you pretend that you're having a lot of fun and are oblivious to their presence. you see them leave together and are consumed by a desire to follow them. you go out to your car, and pass his - they're sitting together in it, chatting. your world crashes. you know you don't love him or even like him, particularly. but you did share something special the night before, and his ability to forget that confounds you. are all men like this? there is no commitment yet there should be a sense of respect for someone you sleep with. perhaps you're terribly old fashioned. perhaps you expect too much. perhaps you give too little and want more in return. perhaps you shouldn't play the unemotional bitch anymore; does he not know that you would feel jealousy and rejection, if nothing else? is it okay to feel this hurt, when it's just sex? do you even want more than that? do you even want to give him that respect and commitment in return?
you spend the rest of the night talking to someone else. pretending to be busy. playing games. you're so tired of this bullshit, this constant act, this desire to let no one close. you're so tired of the hurt. you wish you didn't feel. you want to rid yourself of all emotions, cleanse yourself of that which makes you ache all over.
you return to your bed, alone, tonight. you wonder whether he is alone. you wonder whether he's thinking about you, if he is.
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